Mindas Ar'ran...

I always thought…

mindasarran — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 22:15:50 +0000

… that when I reached the end I’d feel a bit of sadness or sentimentality. Interestingly enough, I don’t. Nothing but the elation and exhilaration of one journey ending, and a new one beginning. I read back on not only this journal, but other ones that I’ve jotted sporadic thoughts in and it dawns on me…. Mindas Ar’ran is dead. Like a character that I had played, leveled, and moved beyond. I don’t do any of the things originally associated with the “persona” if you will. I don’t do ‘jedi’ (the ‘sith’ are equally laughable), karate (Kung Fu, also equally laughable), philosophizing, contemplate the deep meanings of energy or the universe… none of it. I see it all now as something very trivial. I hold no faith in gods, idealisms of righteousness, maxims of peace, or delusional precepts of unconditional love and friendships. It’s been a great number of situations and betrayals that have helped to forge me into what I am now, and honestly, it’s more than just a little satisfying. I’ve survived. And thrived. And evolved — into something that my foes, naysayers, and false friends could never hope to achieve. Before, I grasped at power. Now, I have it. I wondered about “worth”. Now, I look into the mirror and see one who is very close to being “worthy”.

Once you go forward, there is no going back. In order to achieve the final victory, sacrifices must be made. There is no more fitting a sacrifice than the wreckage of a broken past. It is now a time for clearing out the dross — habits that keep me from achieving my full potential, dead alliances that have only brought me anguish, sentimentalities that will only serve as vulnerabilities in this new journey. There was a time for those things, once, a long time ago, when I was still finding my strength. For those things I leave behind, I shed no tears — they mean little to me now. My destiny lay before me, and with a burning clarity.

Good bye, Mindas Ar’ran. You served me well.

Winds of Plague…

mindasarran — Thu, 26 May 2011 20:28:25 +0000

Thus begins my new musical phase.

Very nice.

I realize that I didn’t write anything about my last big adventure! Crash and bash with the LARPers. It was fun. Call me a nerd, but wailing on each other with foam swords was a shit ton of fun. People were swinging full bore and the weapons aren’t light by any means, so they left some pretty good bruises and welts. Oh, and you can grapple, charge, shield bash, and basically everything else. It only confirmed what I already knew… 1) I love to fight. 2) I love shields and short hacking/smashing weapons. There was some drinking that went down after, but I was still kinda the outsider, so I just ended up going home early. Nobody wants to be the guy at the party who doesn’t know anyone. Still, I met a lot of new people, and will meet more people at the next event until I know enough people to get more involved in the night life afterwards. Yosh!

Fairy tales…

mindasarran — Sun, 15 May 2011 23:27:49 +0000

… and other things.

Fucking liars.

It’s been some time…

mindasarran — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 23:10:34 +0000

… since I’ve had such a sense of calm and well being. Generally, I’m always peaceful looking. I don a sort of laid back demeanor for work, and most of the other time I use a mix of humor and sarcasm to mask what has been a cascade of internal dialogue that questions everything I’ve ever thought true. Usually, these are questions of my value, sincerity, goodness, and whatever else happens to be nagging me that day. Today, is different. I had a bit of an epiphany last night. I’m really not a bad person. I often question my potential to BE a bad person, and while everyone has that potential, and even some more than others, that potential does not hold sway in my daily life. After a long conversation beneath the stars I realize that there is “darkness” and then there is simply “evil”, and while I might worry about the former, I certainly don’t worry about the latter. I am not overly compassionate, but neither am I cruel, not do I carry the propensity for cruelty. I’m not always honest, but I don’t craft lies nor do I exploit people’s perspective. I am not overly courageous, but neither am I a coward. I have no qualms with standing up to people, violently if need be. I don’t have it in me to be spiteful and bitter. I don’t carry hatred or thoughts of malice. No matter how much life throws at me, I never take the power I have and exploit others with it. I kinda think it’s like karate. They say that all real learning starts at the black belt. You’ve gone through all the lower belts, the trials, the tribulations, and despite the pain and long hours, you persevere to shodan. That’s where I feel I am. A very solid beginning — to be the person I’ve always dreamt I was. To be a worthy husband, a worthy father. I’m not there yet, but I’m relentless in the pursuit. And the thought that I am at least on the journey I’ve always wished I could be on leaves me feeling very… contented.

Was it all nonsense?

mindasarran — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 01:27:08 +0000

So, after watching some anime (about fighting) it gave me pause from my usual routine and I dusted off all the old videos, books, and material I’ve collected over some 21 years of martial arts research. Now, lest it be misunderstood, I would like to remind my readers that martial arts and the pursuit of the Ultimate Fist (or blade haha) has been the focus of my life since I’ve been old enough to consciously choose my path in life. The material I’ve collected, and recollected, is enormous. And yet, I look over it, after some time away from it…. with utter disgust.

I watch video after video and shake my head. These movements aren’t natural… they are fixed, forced, and faked. There is no power generated and no focus. They are individuals just going through the motions, then taking bows at the end to the sound of applause. Applause? Were we watching the same performance? You saw “a master”. I saw a pretender. Someone playing at karate. Someone playing at gungfu. A “master” so old and venerated that his half-ass performance is suddenly beyond reproach?

Tonight the subject of teaching came up. People were talking about why they had no students. Most of them hid behind false modesty… “Oh, I had students, but they realized that I knew nothing”. My response? “I know many things… but what I do NOT know is a student who will stick to the training. The next generation is soft. That’s why I don’t teach”. Students these days are just like masters… complacent. Lacking.

Blah….. do my words only reflect what I dislike about my own training? What do my own performances look like? I really ought to have someone record them just to compare.

I feel myself slipping away the more I chase swords and armor. It’s a pleasant fantasy to slip into… that if I buy these things I will have a group of people with which to fight. It’s all delusion of course. And yet I’ll likely still get the suit. Simply because I want that fantasy. Something to slip into when everything else comes to such profound disappointment.

Pshh…. I refuse to submit to some group of faker’s pretend credentials. Let’s pause for a moment and really consider what we’re talking about…

JEDI FUCKING KNIGHTS.

And these days, all that’s required is some posts? A report? An essay? Are you kidding me? Did these people watch the same movie as me or did they have some special version that I wasn’t privy to? This newer group of people have shat on the name of Jedi with their ranks like Jedi Archbishop, Jedi Pope, Jedi Cardinal and their mediocre, garbage standards and complete and utter lack of purpose and training.

The purpose is the very thing that defines the training, not the other way around. If the only purpose of a “jedi knight” these days is to sit behind a computer and make some lofty posts, then of course essays and chat interviews will be sufficient. But if the goal is something -real- and something tangible, then it goes without saying that this new generation of “training” is so woefully inadequate as to defy comprehension.

Just wrote it on a different board. The same idea applies to Jedi, Paladins, and Martial Artists alike. It applies to ANY path in life.

Purpose, goddammit!! What is it anymore??

There are many…

mindasarran — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 04:57:44 +0000

… who strive for this ideal of ‘no attachments’. They live their lives trying to be objective and sterile, always giving way to logical thought and cool serenity. I pity these people. I don’t see them as people trying to become something greater, but rather, as people too afraid of life to put their nose in it and wallow. People at work are more than a little grossed out that I attended my childs birth. That I wanted to do it at home. That I was proud to have my hands covered in blood, slime, and shit. You see, that’s how life starts. In the movies it’s all pretty and magical, but the reality? No…. life is messy, start to finish. Some people aren’t up to it. Weak people. Sad little pathetic people living half lives and shielding themselves from life’s tempest with lies and delusions of enlightenment.

How can you love without attachment? How can you have close friendships without attachment? The people that have touched my life are an attachment to me, and a welcome one. I cherish my attachments. I don’t want to have to go a day without them. Would I be hurt if I lost them? Would my world be stood on it’s head? ABSOLUTELY. Is that a good reason to NOT have attachment to them? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Friends get messy too. There are periods of falling in, and periods of falling out. Sometimes these cycles repeat themselves. Sometimes not. Still, I don’t regret ever having given myself, for better or for worse to my ‘attachments’. In fact, it fills me with deep satisfaction that I can be of use, of service.

It’s late, so off to bed with me. Good night, all my friends — my loves, my wonderful attachments. It’s 1am and someone is still awake, wishing you all beautiful dreams. <3

It’s more than passing strange…

mindasarran — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 00:55:37 +0000

… that so short a weekend be so complicated, yet give me such a smile. I guess the answer lies in contrasts — a thing is defined by it’s highs and it’s lows, it’s to and fro’s. The breadth between these two extremes are what we experience as sensation, emotional or otherwise.

On the one hand, work has been putting it’s extra large clowny foot in my ass. I’ve worked 11-12 hours almost every day for 2 weeks straight. I worked last weekend. I worked this weekend. This gives me only one day with which to get the house attended to, budget, shopping, and all that stuff. However, it’s the only day that I get to relax and collect my thoughts. These two things: need to do things and want to do NO things is ever at war. haha Thankfully, now that inventory is over, things should return to normal.

My WoW account got hacked, though how… I have no idea. The perpetrator did nothing but spam chat channels. My guess is that they hacked the account, saw that I only play on weekends and have no more than 100g on any character and no characters above 60, and logged off in disgust. Yes, I am aware that my armor is NOT on par with my level, but it looks so much cooler even if it is about 8 levels below what I should be wearing. Fashion beat out function, stats, and armor class any day! (Unless I’m doing a dungeon run.) On the other hand, the matter was handled quickly by blizz who put a 3 hour suspension on the account and immediately reset the password. I changed it, logged in, and continued play without further incident.

This weekend also brought some very interesting changes in things… an old friend, one that I called a brother once, came by. I’ll call him Frisious for now. Through various dramatic chapters in a turbulent and rocky past he has more or less vanished. This weekend, much to my surprise AND delight, he came by for some swordplay. We sparred in the back for about 30 minutes or so before we were both so winded that neither could continue (yes, I’m a bit rusty from the winter!). We talked for a bit on the couch and after a while took his leave. Very, very cool. Anyone who reads this blog knows how much I bitch about not having anyone to train with or do pad work, ect. so this marks a very auspicious occasion for me.

My daughter continues to walk more and more. Her standing and steps are growing more sure and stable. It’s a small thing, really, but it gives me quite a bit of joy. My woman’s belly grows with the coming of our second daughter. This too gives me great joy. It’s also passing strange that her body seems more soft and more comforting than when she is not pregnant. haha Still, I think this will be our last child. Unless I win the lottery (I AM trying) or a better job comes along. I’d still like to move us somewhere else, but that’s fairly unlikely.

Oh! I’m measuring up for some custom armor! Ordering the helmet tonight (it’s on sale)! Does life get better than this?

I was going to make an entry about some profound philisophical and spiritual things I’ve been thinking about, but alas… I digress. and gladly. There is entirely too little joy in the measure of a persons life, so when you get the chance to sit and bask in it — you seize that moment! If there is anything that we Cerus know (the more I think about it, the more I think I belong there), it is that moments like these are fleeting, and all the more beautiful for it.

I took a chance…

mindasarran — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 22:01:09 +0000

… and made myself vulnerable for a moment by saying something kind to someone who I used to dislike very much.

I’m expecting that my act of kindness will be spat on and shoved back in my face.

Time will tell.

I think I finally found God…

mindasarran — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 01:25:12 +0000

… in the form of the Sacred Trinity.

It’s taken me a long time to get here and the road has been rough, indeed. Yet, everything leads up to this — the final evolution.

Vindication!

mindasarran — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 22:32:23 +0000

The thing at work has turned itself around, but not in a way I expected.

As a result of the errors, we have to reconcile all the invoices from January forward. Thinking they will find more of my errors, they put in place a bunch of restrictions and new procedures. The result? All of the OTHER errors and issues that I’ve been complaining about for months come to light. Oh, and errors from me so far? Zero!

Tomorrow is more OT, so for tonight, it’s going to be the fam, pizza, pepsi, and WoW. I’m feeling pretty good right about now.